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This is tough ...

I'm into Month Two of quitting smoking. And it is not easy. Other times when I quit, I had no choice. I really have no choice this time, either, but it's different and tougher this time because I have the resources to still smoke. I am the worst addict of all.

I have a vehicle. I have plenty of places to hide. I will not miss a meal nor will my family suffer if I purchase cigarettes. No one would ever know. Except the nice folks I buy smokes from. And they are even wishing me well on this hellacious endeavor. Dang them ...

I don't have money to burn (no pun intended), but buying cigarettes wouldn't exactly break the bank, either.

Many family members, doctors, insurance folks, etc. have told me to not smoke, the list goes on. But this time, someone really important has asked me not to smoke. I wish he wasn't so dang nice all the time, and forever handsome.

I was taking a prescription medication to help. But that didn't work so well. The drugs made me loopier than usual. The first week was bad. The second week worsened when the drug dosage doubled. I realized I was in trouble when I took an hour to create a menu and grocery list. Then I spent another hour negotiating my way through a store I visit daily to find said ingredients. I was completely stoned.

So I switched to E-cigs. Electronic cigarettes offer nicotine plus great flavor minus smoke and tar. That worked well until the E-cig broke. I live in the middle of nowhere. E-cigs are available mostly by mail from this remote location. This all happened on a Friday. The day after my grandmother died. Then I faced a weekend I spent mostly alone. In a house that can feel eerie. Oops. I am digressing. And depressing you all, too.

But, thanks to express mail, I am E-smoking again. I will be honest. I have cheated. With a real cig. The no-tobacco thing is so tough. Without tobacco, I have zero energy. I do not want to eat. I say really mean things I don't want to say. My attention span is nil. I'm just not interested in anything. Please do not worry. I'm seriously not depressed. I still laugh and tell really bad jokes to anyone that will listen. And I go too far with my sense of humor most of the time. I still crack myself up, even as I crack daily. I'm just dealing with a body that needs tobacco. Badly ...


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