Last week while I was out for lunch, a reader left a message to inform me that my column was the worst thing ever, that nobody cares about my adventures and that I should just do everyone a big favor and give it up.
In the same message, this anonymous woman added “the only thing that your articles are good for is to wrap fish in.”
First, I was happy to hear that she seemed to be well-versed on the type of material that usually appears in my column and that she reads the newspaper to experience my obvious lack of journalistic talent. I was also pleased to hear that she could use the newspaper for wrapping fish.
In that vein, here are some other ideas for what she and others can do with the newspaper.
• Pet cages. I’ve done this myself. Under our hamster’s cage is an old newspaper to collect shavings and other waste that finds its way outside her little home. You could also line the bottom of other pets’ cages, including birds, snakes and rats.
• Checking the oil. This is something else I did once after running out of paper towels. Wipe the old oil on the dipstick and reinsert to get an accurate level. Then throw the newspaper away.
• Dart board. For those who may hate my column or anyone else who appears within these pages, you could always tack it up on a dartboard and let the darts fly. If you hit me right in the forehead, give yourself an extra 50 points.
• Painting. When you’re ready to finish that household project with a coat of paint, put the Grand Canyon News underneath so you don’t get any on the floor.
• Paper hats. This is something my dad created out of his recently-read newspapers when I was a kid. There are many styles of hats you could make, depending on your folding abilities.
• Start the fire. When you need to get the wood-burning stove going this winter, get it started by burning newspaper. For best results, twist it together real tight.
• Train the dog. If you’re in the midst of trying to train the dog, you could lay down newspaper in that special corner of the room in hopes of reducing damage to the carpet. However, for those with babies, I wouldn’t recommend replacing diapers with newspaper. The ink tends to rub off.
• Get the bugs. Now you don’t necessarily have to be killing things here, but you could use the newspaper to get bugs out of the house. Allow the insect to crawl aboard and let it go in a appropriate place outside. Of course, there are others who want to just squash the bugs and be done with it.
• Moving away. We have quite the turnover in residents around here. A good thing to do is wrap fragile items in newspaper pages to reduce the chances of breakage. Now don’t go filing any lawsuits against me because your favorite aunt’s vase wrapped in page 5 was broken. There are no guarantees.
• Get your point across. Domestic violence is certainly not encouraged, but you could use the newspaper to give your spouse a good whack on the head when he or she is being difficult.
• In the woods. Finally, you could always use the newspaper to take care of some personal business when there’s no toilet paper around. Just a remember, pack out what you pack in and don’t litter.
Those are just a few ideas for what could be done with my little newspaper. Happy reading.
(Brad Fuqua is editor of the Grand Canyon News).
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